So my social skills have never been excellent, and right now I feel a particular breed of social frustration and injustice and I just need to freakin write about it a bit, to express it, to resolve it, to do whatever the hell I can with this pent up animosity...
So petty the triggers. In this case it involves a former friend and his post on my facebook status. Recently I have taken up watching the show 'Mad Men', so to bring this precious gift of knowledge to my peers I write of it on my wall: "Mad Men; another good show". To which my asshole friend responds: "From the title alone, I'm sure it's something you can relate to"... (long aggravated sigh)... Okay and then he goes non sequitur, describing some kind of gigabyte collection that he's working on and how Mad Men is the next on his list; an obvious change of subject to counter something which he knows is a veiled insult.
Perhaps I'm not providing the right context. This former friend has been a friend of mine for ages and it's just this and other similar slights that have officially scraped him off of my mental buddy list. I don't know where it all started to go wrong, but I sense it has something to do with my abrupt lust for the metaphysics that strangled my life for a good 3 years. Let's be clear though: I am not mad. I've been up and down psychiatric circuit and my problems mental issues however prevalent in their own way, do not fall under the schizotypal spectrum. My friends' predilections are based on fallacious reasoning; one direct event of excessive inspiration that resulted in my awakening of him in the middle of the night; as well as some suspected stories that my paranoid mind deduces are floating around the decadent social circles my friend inhabits...
Let me be honest here, I was once diagnosed as bipolar. Once. And it was by a hack psychiatrist who only had to here that I had recently experienced some kind of unusual state of happiness and energy. This particular experience hardly resembled any kind of psychotic break. There were no hallucinations of any kind, no resistance to authority, no overtly disorganized or violent behavior... My experience spanned about 3 days, fallowing the stay at a weeklong personal meditation retreat at an Advaita Vedanta (hindusim) ashram. The circumstances were understandable, and 3 subsequent psychiatrists have assured me this as well... I need not get into too much details about the experience. That would require another post.
All I want to say is that I know I am not insane. My asshole friend is more neurotic than I ever was and ever will be, and fuck him and his whiny arrogance. His childishly witty remarks, however punctual to the idiocy of facebook social standards, fall flat under the truth of my experience. I know I'll never convince him of this, he'll go on comparing me to John Lennon, and calling me a creeper to his other spineless friends. To me he resembles everything about the collective consciousness that I seek to abandon.
I know this is spiteful, and I know there's a lot going on underneath. However, these feelings are evidently not without the anchor of reason; which is why I am not crazy. I wish I could synthesize this all in a balanced and biting retort that would render my friend speechless, but I know that's not going to happen, so I write about it here, where I know they won't find it, where probably no one will.
