Journal Entry #1

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Let’s write for a lilttle bit. Typing, I have to get used to typing and not looking at the keyboard. I think I could easily-- I mean, right now I’m not looking but right now is different that other times. So I must take advantage of my confident revery. I think it is a good time to instill in me that muscle memory so that when I’m in other brain states it will come back to me easier. At other times the instinctual muscle memory is unable to be tapped, so basically I have to learn to familiarize with this….

--Enough on that… I'm watching a very good movie, “The Dead Poets Society”. Amazing movie.. And it’s getting good and tense. I must divert some more attention to it… I’m also a little afraid of the janitors and cops here at school, it is getting late and I most liekly am being heard by someone here. But whatever. What’s the worst that could happen? I could talk my way out of most likely. I really hope no one comes thoug, I really don’t want to leave. I would even try to tlak my way into staying. I would say, “look I lost track of time, I’m not in good shape, my dads in the hospital. That sort of thing. And then hopefully find some comon ground.

Great movie. – A young Wilson;. What a charming reality.

I met with gary today, and my judgement has definitley changed for the better regarding his confrontation with dissent and mutuality. Last time we hung out I disagreed with something he said and he seemed to get frustrated. But tonight there was none of that, and we talked about a great many things...He’s really a decent guy, and not just in a fuzzy emotive type way. I mean ethicically he’s a real decent guy. … So it went realy well, and I’m surprisingly open with him, as he is with me. It’s easier to admit things when someone else is also admitting things. He started talking about his bipolar diagnoses first. Which just automatically made me comfortable enough to talk about my psyche issues/medication, etc.- We smoked up, and I'm still high from it now. I know I probably shouldn’t be doing it, but it felt right. However, I know I need to learn how to say no. Here’s a good thought to counter the temptation; We probably even had a better time, well at the least not any different, from whence we smoked. The convorsation was immensly great before we even smoked weed. With much positive feelings based soely on the interaction of ideas, and solidarity. I didn’t need any weed.. There was one point where I felt it strong in the nerves. An elation, a deep appreciation. That’s good enough for me. I don’t need drugs when I have access to that.

Next thought. Relax...
There’s something about the way weed affects your thinking. Ideas become more expansive, unifeid and more easily navigitable. With a greater demensionality to it. A greater depth/feeling in the nervous system. It would be difficult to say what exactly weed does as a baseline commonality for everybody. Maybe biochemically, but not so sure about the subjective phenomenal experience of emotion, and memory, etc.-